Friday, January 23, 2009

Star Bright

It’s Christmas Eve in Misconception Bay. In the center of town, the bright shiny star that’s proudly placed every year on top of the cedar hedge is slightly askew. Normally the star sits perfectly straight but a recent event has placed it on its current position.

As most people know, Jim Brown has a nightly custom of “watering the plants” after visiting the Squid Jigger Cafe and NightClub, but tonight he was interrupted by a group of young boys having a snowball fight. Actually, to call it a snowball fight would not be the proper term; the boys really weren’t fighting, and it wasn’t exactly snow that went into the making of their projectiles. No, this was more of a ruckus, and the balls were made out of a secret combination of snow, ice and slush. Every boy knows the secret: ice to give it sting, snow to hold it together, and slush to give it weight and if you happened to miss your target the slush would give you a certain margin of error. If you happened to hit a telephone pole or a wall close to your target, and if you had combined the ingredients just right, the ice-snow-slush ball should explode on impact and shower your victim.

It was these boys who had interrupted Jim Brown while he was in his gardening process. Jim’s getting on in years, but he still doesn’t quite have the knack of the proper usage of zippers on men’s pants. While Jim had his pants to his boots, Tommy Misgivens ducked behind the hedge to avoid an ice-snow-slush ball aimed in his direction. The sudden appearance of Tommy startled Jim, which made Jim lose his concentration on what he was doing. Not liking to be interrupted, Jim chased Tommy from behind the hedge.

Now where Jim and Tommy were was fairly concealed by the base of the statue of Rug Holler, who was the founder of Misconception Bay. Jim and Tommy’s concealment changed when Jim chased Tommy from behind the hedge. For Tommy, the ordeal was not all that traumatic. Tommy ran from behind the cedar hedge while Jim followed yelling “Come back here you varmint!”

This ordeal, however, was hardest on Jim; for just as he was coming from behind the hedge, Reverend and Mrs. Arnold were passing in front of the hedge. Jim at the best of times does not have a full grasp of reality. You could say that his dory has sprung a leak and he forgot to bring a bailer. A man with a very little attention span, while chasing Tommy from behind the hedge, Jim forgot that his pants were still down to his boots. This did make running a little difficult for Jim, but the real embarrassment came when he ran into the Reverend and his wife.

Jim stopped in front of the Arnolds, oblivious to the fact that his pants were still down to his gum rubbers. Oblivious that is, until one of the boys, who were standing around watching the display, realised that the snow-ice-slush ball that he was still holding was starting to get too cold for him to keep on holding. So he decided to get rid of it. Looking around, he spied the perfect target. The boy took aim and let fly; the snow-ice-slush ball flew a perfect course and hit the target squarely; the target being Jim’s exposed left cheek. Jim jumped with a start, looked down and gulped to see exactly where his pants were. He quickly grabbed and pulled his pants up, only to find that most of the snow-ice-slush ball had landed inside of his pants. Jim made another gulp and pulled his pants down again, once more exposing himself to the Reverend and Mrs. Arnold.

Jim was by now in an absolute confused state. He knew that he had to pull up his pants, but he also knew what was waiting for him in his pants. He looked down at his pants and then up to the Arnolds, back down to his pants and then to the Arnolds. Mrs. Arnold by this time had politely turned away, but Reverend Arnold was still fully facing Jim. Reverend Arnold cleared his throat, looked Jim in the face then down to Jim’s pants and then back to his face. Not knowing what to do Jim left his pants where they were and ran off down the street.

Just as Reverend Arnold turned to leave, Bobby Jones let loose his projectile at the Reverend. Unfortunately, Bobby’s mother insisted that the boy wear woolen mittens. Now, every boy knows that you can not properly throw a snowball while wearing woolen mittens, because the snowball will stick to the mitten and your shot could be ruined. Well, that is exactly what happened; the snow-ice-slush ball that Bobby was holding had become partially stuck to his woolen mitten. When Bobby made the throw, the snow-ice-slush ball held for a split-second to his mitten; that split-second was just enough time for the ball to go in the wrong direction. Missing its intended target by just a fraction, the ball made a square hit on an unintended object the cedar hedge star.

That is how the star, that was so proudly placed on the cedar hedge in the center of the town of Misconception Bay, became askew on Christmas Eve.

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